At first nothing appeared changed.
I noticed first of all that the
rug was no longer flat and lifeless, but had become a field of stirring and
undulating hairs, much like the movement of the sea anemone or
a field of wheat in the wind.
The doors, walls, and windows were liquefying.
I had been plunged to the bottom of the sea, and
everything had become undulating and wavering.
The door knobs were no
longer door knobs, they melted and undulated like living serpents.
Every object in the room became a living, mobile breathing
away, into a hallway opening into several small rooms.
On the way there was a door leading
to the garden.
The dazzle of the
sun was blinding, every speck of gold multiplied and magnified.
Trees, clouds, lawns heaved and undulated too, the clouds flying at
The plain door now
appeared the most delicate Persian
patterns in perfect symmetry.
As I designed them they produced their matching music.
drew a long orange line, it emitted its own orange tone.
My body was both swimming and
I felt gay, at ease and
There was perfect connection between my body and
everything that was happening.
The colors in the designs gave me
pleasure, as well as the music.
The singing of mocking birds was
multiplied, and became a whole forest of singing birds.
My senses were
multiplied as if I had a hundred eyes, a hundred ears, a hundred fingertips.
The murals which appeared were perfect,
they were Oriental, fragile,
and complete, but then they became actual Oriental cities, with pagodas,
temples, rich Chinese gold and red altars, and Balinese music.
music vibrated through my body as I were one of the instruments and I felt
myself becoming a full percussion orchestra.
The waves of the sounds
ran through my hair like a caress.
The music ran down my back and came
out of my fingertips.
I was small, light, mobile.
could dissolve, melt, float, soar.
I was a rainbow cascade of
I could use
any method of levitation I wished.
Wavelets of light touched the rim of my clothes,
I could see a new world with my middle eye, a world I
had missed before.
I caught images behind images, the walls behind the
sky, the sky behind the infinite.
The walls became fountains, the
fountains became arches, the domes skies, the sky a flowering carpet, and all
dissolved into pure space.
I looked at a slender line
curving out into space disappearing into infinity.
I saw a million
zeros on this line, curving, shrinking in the distance, and I laughed and said:
"Excuse me, I am not a mathematician. How can I measure the infinite?"
Now I was standing on
the rim of a planet, alone.
I could hear the fast rushing sound of
the planets rotating in space.
I wondered who went before me and whether
I would return to Earth.
The solitude distressed me and for
the first time, the sense of distance.
I asked Gil very
vehemently: "Are you sure that I will
find my way back?"
Gil answered reasonably: "Of course, I found my way
back. I'm here."
I returned to my starting point.
I was standing in front of an ugly
As I looked closer it was
not plain or green - it was a Buddhist temple, a Hindu column, a Moroccan
ceiling, gold spires being formed as if I were watching the hand of a designer
I was designing red spirals which unfurled until they formed
a rose window mandala with
edges of radium.
undulating line emitted music in perfect accord with the design.
designs were preparatory sketches for entire Oriental cities.
I saw the temples of Java,
Kashmir, Nepal, Ceylon,
Cambodia, in all
the colors of precious stones
illumined from within.
Then the outer forms of the temples
dissolved to reveal the inner chapels and shrines.
The reds and golds
inside the temples vibrated to an intricate musical orchestration of Balinese
Two sensations, at once, began to torment me: one that
it was happening too quickly
and that I would not be able
to remember it, another that I
would not be able to tell what I saw,
it was too elusive and too
The temples grew taller, the music wilder, it became
a tidal wave of sounds with gongs and bells predominating.
emitted a long flute chant.
Every line and color was constantly breathing and mutating.
Then I began to experience difficulties in breathing.
immensely cold, and very small in my cape, as if I had undergone
an Alice in Wonderland metamorphosis.
I remembered the illustration from Saint-Exupery's Little Prince, the
child standing all alone on the edge of the planet.
I lay down and
I looked at
the curtains of the room and they turned to a gauzy gold.
The whole room became filled with gold, as if
by a strong sun.
The walls turned to gold, the bedcover was gold,
my whole body was becoming gold, liquid gold, scintillating, warm
I was GOLD
It was the most pleasurable
sensation I had ever known outside an orgasm.
It was the secret of life, the
alchemist's secret of life.
From the feeling of intense cold, as if
I were chloroformed, of loss of
gravity of the legs, and diminution in size, I passed to the sensation of being
Suddenly I was weeping, weeping.
I could feel the tears
and I saw the handkerchief in my hand.
Weeping to the point of
Why should I be weeping?
As soon as the concept of absurdity struck
me, the comic spirit appeared .
It was another Anaïs, not the
one which was lying down weeping, but a small, gay, light Anaïs, very lively, very
restless and mobile.
The cosmic spirit of Anaïs became
spirit of Anaïs shook herself jauntily and said: "Let's stop this weeping.
Everything is more wonderful under water (than in space?). It is alive and
Space was lonely, and empty, a vast
feeling of GOLD I had a feeling of danger.
My world is so beautiful, so beautiful, but so fragile.
was pleading for protection of this evanescent beauty.
I thought I was
the quickest mind alive and the quickest with words, but words cannot catch up
with these transformations, metamorphoses.
The Oriental cities vanished
and the infinite appeared again, but now it was bordered on each side by the
Temptation not to
pursue the infinite, but to
enjoy the gardens.
Space is definitely without sensuous
The comic spirit of Anaïs
stood aside and laughed
at so much Russian-opera extravaganza.
The other Anaïs maintained her
pose as a Balinese dancer with legs slightly bent, the tips of the fingers
meeting in a symbolic gesture of pleading.
I watched a shoreline of
gold waves breaking into solid gold powder and becoming gold foam, and gold
hair, shimmering and trembling with gold delights.
I felt I could
capture the secret of life because the secret of life was metamorphosis and
transmutation, but it happened too quickly and was beyond word.
spirit of Anaïs mocks words and herself.
Ah, I cannot capture the
secret of life with WORDS.
The secret of life was
was what I always wanted words to do, to
Cosmic spirit of
Anaïs rises, shakes herself within her cape, gaily, irresponsibly,
surrenders to the mystery of life.
Now I know why fairy tales
are full of jewels.
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