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Truth! stark, naked truth, is the
word.
My maiden name was Frances Hill.
I was born at a small
village near Liverpool, in Lancashire, of parents extremely poor, and, I
piously believe, extremely honest.
My education,
till past fourteen, was no better than very vulgar; reading, or rather
spelling, an illegible scrawl, and a little
ordinary plain work composed the whole system of it; and then all
my foundation in virtue was no
other than a total ignorance of vice,
and the shy timidity general to our sex, in
the tender stage of life when objects
alarm or frighten more by their novelty than anything
else.
I was now entering on my
fifteenth year, when the worst of ills befell me in the loss of my tender fond
parents, who were both carried off
by the smallpox, within a few days of each other; my father dying first,
and thereby hastening the death of my
mother; so that I was now left an unhappy friendless orphan.
Left thus alone, absolutely
destitute and friendless, I
began then to feel most bitterly the severity of this separation, but the
affliction I felt at my helpless strange circumstances burst out into a flood
of tears, which relieved the oppression of my heart; though
remained stupefied, and
perplex'd at how to compose and
comport myself.
As I had now nobody left alive in the village who had
concern enough about what should become of me to start any objections to a
scheme, and as the woman who took care of me after my parents death encouraged
me to pursue it, I soon came to
a resolution of making
this launch into the wide world, by repairing to London, in order to SEEK MY
FORTUNE, a phrase which, by the bye, has
ruined more adventurers of
both sexes, from the country, than ever it made or advanced.
Accordingly, the next morning I dress'd myself as clean and as neat as
my rustic wardrobe would permit me; and having left my dowry chest, with
special recommendation, with the landlady, I ventured out by myself, and
without any more difficulty than can be supposed of a young country girl,
barely fifteen, and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing
trap, I got to the wish'd for
intelligence office.
After I had been cheer'd up and entertain'd along the way with the most
plausible flams, without one syllable from which I could conclude anything but
that I was, by the greatest good luck, fallen into the hands of the kindest
mistress, not to say friend, that the world could afford; and accordingly I
enter'd her doors with most compleat confidence and exultation.
Here my
mistress first began her part, with telling me that I must have good spirits,
and learn to be free with her; that she had not taken me to be a common
servant, to do domestic drudgery, but to be a kind of companion to her; and
that if I would be a good girl, she would do more than twenty mothers for me;
to all which I answered only by the profoundest and the awkwardest curtsies,
and a few monosyllables, such as 'yes! no! to be sure!
In the midst of
these false explanations of the nature of
my future service, we were rung for again, and I was introduced into the
parlour, where there was a table laid with three covers; and my mistress had
now got with her one of her favorite girls, a notable manager of her house, and
whose business it was to prepare and break such young fillies as I was to the
mounting-block.
I pass the interval to bed-time, in which I was more
and more pleas'd with the views that opened to me, of
an easy service under these good people; and
after supper being shew'd up to bed, Miss Phoebe, who observed a kind of
reluctance in me to strip and go to bed, in my shift, before her, now the maid
was withdrawn, came up to me, beginning with unpinning my handkerchief and
gown, soon encouraged me to go on with undressing myself; blushing at seeing
myself naked to my shift, I hurried under the bedcloaths out of sight.
Phoebe laugh'd and was not long before she placed herself by my side.
She was about five and twenty, by her most suspicious account, in
which, according to all
appearances, she must have sunk at least ten good years; allowance, too,
being made for the havoc which a long course of hackneyship and hot waters must
have made of her constitution, and which had already brought on, upon the spur,
that stale stage in which those of her profession are reduced to think of
SHOWING company, instead of SEEING it.
No sooner then was this precious
substitute of my mistress's laid down, but she, who was never out of her way
when any occasion of lewdness presented itself, turned to me, embraced and
kiss'd me with great eagerness.
This was new, this was odd; but
imputing it to nothing but pure kindness, which, for aught I knew, it might be
the London way to express in that manner, I was determin'd not to be behind
hand with her, and returned her the kiss and embrace, with all the fervour that
perfect innocence knew.
Encouraged by this, her
hands became extremely free, and wander'd over my whole body, with touches,
squeezes, pressures, that rather warm'd and surpriz'd me with their novelty,
than they either shock'd or alarm'd me.
The flattering praises she
intermingled with these invasions, contributed also not a little to bribe my
passiveness; and, knowing no ill, I feared none, especially from one who had
prevented all doubt of her womanhood by conducting my hands to a pair of
breasts that hung loosely down, in a size and volume that full sufficiently
distinguished her sex, to me at least, who had never made any other comparison.
I lay then all tame and passive as
she could wish'd, whilst her freedom raised no other emotions but those of a
strange, and, till then, unfelt
pleasure.
Every part of me was open and exposed to the licentious courses of her
hands, which, like a lambent fire, ran over my whole body, and thaw'd all
coldness as they went.
My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to
call so two hard, firm, rising hillocks, that just began to shew themselves, or
signify anything to the touch, till, slipping down lower, over a smooth track,
she could just feel the soft silky down that had but a few months before put
forth and garnish'd the mount-pleasant of those parts, and promised to spread a
shelter over the seat of the most exquisite sensation, and which had been, till
that instant, the seat of the most insensible innocence.
Her fingers
play'd and strove to twine in the young
tendrils of that moss, which nature has contrived at once for use and
ornament.
Not contented with these outer posts, she now attempts the
main spot, and began to twitch, to insinuate, and at length to force an
introduction of a finger into the quick itself, in such a manner, that had she
not proceeded by insensible gradations that inflamed me beyond the power of
modesty to oppose its résistance to their progress, I should have jump'd
out of bed and cried for help against such strange assaults.
Instead of
which, her lascivious touches had lighted up a new fire that wanton'd through
all my veins, but fix'd with violence in that center appointed them by nature,
where the first strange hands were now busied in feeling, squeezing,
compressing the lips, then opening them again, with a finger between, till an
'Oh!' express'd her hurting me, where the
narrowness of the unbroken passage refused it entrance to any depth.
In the meantime, the extension of my limbs, languid stretchings, sighs,
short heavings, all conspired to assure that experienced wanton that I was more
pleased than offended at her proceedings, which she seasoned with repeated
kisses and exclamations, such as 'Oh! what a charming creature thou art! ...
What a happy man will he be that first makes a woman of you! ... Oh! that I
were a man for your sake! ... with the like broken expressions, interrupted by
kisses as fierce and fervent as ever I received from the other sex.
'No!' says Phoebe, 'you must not, my sweet girl, think to hide all
these treasures from me. My sight must be feasted as well as my touch ... I
must devour with my eyes this springing BOSOM ... Suffer me to kiss it ... I
have not seen it enough ... Let me kiss it once more ... What firm, smooth,
white flesh is here! ... How delicately shaped! ... Then this delicious down!
Oh! let me view the small, dear, tender cleft! ... This is too much, I cannot
bear it! ...
Here she took my hand, and in a transport carried it where
you will guess.
What a difference in the state of the same thing! ... A
spreading thicket of bushy curls marked the full-grown, complete woman.
Then the cavity to which she guided my hand easily received it; and as
soon as she felt it within her, she moved herself to and fro, with so rapid a
friction that I presently withdrew it, wet and clammy, when instantly Phoebe
grew more composed, after two or three sighs, and heart-fetched Oh's! and
giving me a kiss that seemed to exhale her soul through her lips, she replaced
the bed-cloaths over us.
What pleasure she had found I will not say;
but this I know, that the first sparks of kindling nature,
the first ideas of pollution,
were caught by me that night; and that the acquaintance and
communication with
the disobedient of our own sex, is often as fatal to innocence as all the
seductions of the other.
When Phoebe was restor'd to that calm,
which I was far from the enjoyment of myself, she artfully sounded me on all
the points necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous mistress on me, and
by my answers, drawn from pure undissembled nature, she had no reason but to
promise herself imaginable success, as it depended on my ignorance, easiness,
and warm constitution.
Imagine to yourself a man rather past
threescore, short and ill-made, with a yellow cadaverous hue, great goggling
eyes that stared as if he was strangled; and out-mouth from two more properly
tusks than teeth, livid-lips, and breath like a jake's: then he had a peculiar
ghastliness in his grin that made him perfectly frightful, if not dangerous to
women with child; yet, made as he was thus in mock of man, he was
so blind to his own staring
deformities as to think himself born for pleasing, and that no woman could
see him with impunity: in consequence of which idea, he had lavish'd great sums
on such wretches as could gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person,
whilst to those who had not art or patience to
dissemble the horror it
inspir'd, he behaved even brutally. (female version = Red Queen, Alice in
Wonderland)
Impotence, more than necessity,
made him seek in variety the provocative that was wanting to raise him to the
pitch of enjoyment, which too he often saw himself baulked of, by the failure
of his powers: and this always threw him into a fit of rage, which he wreak'd,
as far as he durst, on the innocent objects of his fit of momentary desire.
We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seiz'd
me.
I was so afraid, without a precise notion of why, and what I had to
fear, that I sat on the settee, by the fire-side, motionless, and petrified,
without life or spirit, not knowing how to look or how to stir.
But
long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction: the monster
squatted down by me on the settee, and without farther ceremony or preamble,
flings his arms about my neck, and drawing me pretty forcibly towards him,
oblig'd me to receive, in spite of my struggles to disengage from him, his
pestilential kisses, which quite overcame me.
Finding me then next to
senseless, and unresisting, he tears off my neck handkerchief, and laid all
open there to his eyes and hands: still I endur'd all without flinching, till
embolden'd by my sufferance and
silence, for I had not the power to speak or cry out, he attempted to lay
me down on the settee, and I felt his hand on the lower part of my naked
thighs, which were cross'd, and which he endeavoured to unlock ...
Oh then! I was roused out of my passive endurance, and
springing from him with an activity he was not prepar'd for, threw myself at
his feet, and begg'd him, in the most moving tone, not to be rude, and that he
would not hurt me: -- 'Hurt you, my dear?' says the brute; 'I intend you no
harm ... has not the old lady told you that I love you? ... that I shall do
handsomely by you?'
'She has indeed, sir,' said I; 'but I cannot love you, indeed I can
not! ... pray let me alone ... I will love you dearly if you will let me alone,
and go away ... '
I was talking to the wind; for whether my
tears, my attitude, or the
disorder of my dress prov'd
fresh incentives,
or whether he was under the dominion of desires he could not bridle, but
snorting and foaming with lust and rage, he renews his attack, seizes me, and
again attempts to extend and fix me on the settee: in which he succeeded so far
as to lay me along, and even to toss my petticoats over my head, and lay my
thighs bare, which I obstinately kept
closed, nor could he, though he attempted with his knee to force them open,
effect it so as to stand fair for being master of the main avenue.
He
was unbuttoned, both waistcoat and breeches, I only felt
the weight of his body upon me,
whilst I lay struggling with indignation, dying with terror; he stopped all of
a sudden, and got off, panting, blowing, cursing, and repeating 'old and ugly!'
for so I had very naturally called him in the heat of defense.
Such too, and so cruel was my
fate, that I dreaded the sight of Mrs. Brown, as if I had been the criminal
and she the person injur'd; a mistake which you will not think so strange, on
distinguishing that neither virtue nor principles had the least share in the
defence I had made, only the particular aversion I conceiv'd against the first
brutal frightful invader of my tender
innocence.
All the modesty I was brought up in the habit, not the
instruction of, began to melt away like dew before the sun's heat; not to
mention that I made a vice of necessity, from
the constant fears I had of
being turn'd out to starve.
I had no idea that I ought to fly
anywhere, sooner than stay where I was; nor had I the least sense of regretting
my condition, but waited very quietly for whatever Mrs. Brown should order
concerning me; who on her side, by herself and her agents, took more than the
necessary precautions to lull and
lay asleep all just reflections on my destination.
Preachments of
morality over the left shoulder;
a life of joy painted
in the gayest colours; caresses, promises, indulgent treatment: nothing was
wanting to domesticate me entirely or prevent my going out to get
better advice.
Alas!
I dream'd of no such thing.
Hitherto I had been indebted only to the
girls of the house for the corruption of my innocence: their luscious talk, in
which modesty was far from respected, their description of their engagements
with men, had given me a tolerable insight into the nature and mysteries of
their profession, at the same time that they highly provok'd
an itch of florid warm-spirited
blood through every vein: my bed-fellow Phoebe, whose pupil I more
immediately was, exerted her talents in giving me the first tinctures of
pleasure: whilst nature, now warm'd and wanton'd with discoveries so
interesting, piqu'd a curiosity
which Phoebe artfully whett'd, and leading me from question to question of her
own suggestion, explain'd to me all the mysteries of Venus.
I could not
long remain in such a house as that, without being an eyewitness of more than I
could conceive from her descriptions. I crept softly, and post'd myself so,
that seeing every thing minutely, I could not myself be seen; and who should
come in but the venerable mother Abbess herself! hand'd in by a tall, brawny
young horse-grenadier, mould'd in the
Hercules style: in fine, the choice of the most experienc'd dame, in those
affairs, in all London.
Her paramour sat down by her: he seem'd to be a
man of very few words, and a great stomach; for proceeding instantly to
essentials, he gave her some hearty smacks, and thrusting his hands into her
breasts, disengag'd them from her stays, in scorn of whose
confinement they broke
loose, and swagg'd down, navel low at least.
A more enormous pair did
my eyes never behold, nor of a worse colour, flagging-soft, and most lovingly
contiguous: yet such as they were, this neck-beef eater seem'd to paw them with
a most uninvitable gust, seeking in vain to confine or cover one of them with a
hand scarce less than a shoulder of mutton.
After toying with them thus
some time, as if they had been worth it, he laid her down pretty briskly, and
canting up her petticoats, made barely a mask of them to her broad red face,
that blush'd with nothing but brandy.
As he stood on one side, for a
minute or so, unbuttoning his waist-coat and breeches, her fat, brawny thighs
hung down, and the whole greasy landscape lay fairly open to my view; a wide
open-mouth'd gap, overshad'd with a grizzly bush, seem'd held out like a
beggar's wallet for its provision.
I soon had my eyes call'd off by a
more striking object, that entirely engross'd them.
Her sturdy stallion
had now unbutton'd, and produc'd nak'd, stiff, and erect, that wonderful
machine, which I had never seen before, and which, for the interest my own seat
of pleasure began to take furiously in it, I star'd at with all the eyes I had:
however, my senses were too much flurried, too much concenter'd in that now
burning spot of mine, to observe any thing more than in general the make and
turn of that instrument, from which the instinct of nature, yet more than all I
had heard of it, now strongly inform'd me I was to expect that supreme pleasure
which she had place'd in the meeting of those parts so admirably fitt'd for
each other.
Long, however, the young spark did not remain before giving
it two or three shakes, by way of brandishing it; he threw himself upon her,
and his back being now towards me, I could only take his being ingulph'd for
grant'd, by the directions he mov'd in, and the impossibility of missing so
staring a mark; and now the bed shook, the curtains rattl'd so, that I could
scarce hear the sighs and murmurs, the heaves and pantings that accompanied the
action, from the beginning to the end;
the sound and sight of which
thrill'd to the very soul of me, and
made every vein of my body
circulate liquid fires: the emotion grew so violent that it almost
intercept'd my respiration.
Prepar'd then, and dispos'd as I was by the
discourse of my companions, and Phoebe's minute detail of everything, no wonder
that such a sight gave the last dying blow to my native innocence.
Whilst they were in the heat of the action, guid'd by
nature only, I stole my hand up my petticoats, and with fingers all on fire,
seiz'd, and yet more inflam'd that center of all my senses: my heart
palpitat'd, as if it would force its way through my bosom; I breath'd with
pain; I twist'd my thighs, squeez'd, and compress'd the lips of that virgin
slit, and following
mechanically the example of Phoebe's manual operation on it, as far as I could
find admission, brought on at last the critical ectasy, the melting flow,
into which nature, spent with excess of pleasure, dissolves and dies away.
1853 Dr. Isaac Brown, a prominent British surgeon and
president of the Medical Society of London, creates a surgical procedure to
remove the clitoris from women on the grounds that "masturbation caused
epilepsy and convulsive diseases." |
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author feels that the falsification of reality outside personal experience has
forged a populace unable to discern propaganda from reality and that this has
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Way of the Lumière Infinie - a rational
gnostic mystery
religion based on reason which requires no leap of faith, accepts no
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Sustainer through the pursuit of the knowledge of reality in the hope of curing
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 Copyright
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