Innocence

Truth! stark, naked truth, is the word.

My maiden name was Frances Hill.

I was born at a small village near Liverpool, in Lancashire, of parents extremely poor, and, I piously believe, extremely honest.

My education, till past fourteen, was no better than very vulgar; reading, or rather spelling, an illegible scrawl, and a little ordinary plain work composed the whole system of it; and then all my foundation in virtue was no other than a total ignorance of vice, and the shy timidity general to our sex, in the tender stage of life when objects alarm or frighten more by their novelty than anything else.

I was now entering on my fifteenth year, when the worst of ills befell me in the loss of my tender fond parents, who were both carried off by the smallpox, within a few days of each other; my father dying first, and thereby hastening the death of my mother; so that I was now left an unhappy friendless orphan.

Left thus alone, absolutely destitute and friendless, I began then to feel most bitterly the severity of this separation, but the affliction I felt at my helpless strange circumstances burst out into a flood of tears, which relieved the oppression of my heart; though remained stupefied, and perplex'd at how to compose and comport myself.

As I had now nobody left alive in the village who had concern enough about what should become of me to start any objections to a scheme, and as the woman who took care of me after my parents death encouraged me to pursue it, I soon came to a resolution of making this launch into the wide world, by repairing to London, in order to SEEK MY FORTUNE, a phrase which, by the bye, has ruined more adventurers of both sexes, from the country, than ever it made or advanced.

Accordingly, the next morning I dress'd myself as clean and as neat as my rustic wardrobe would permit me; and having left my dowry chest, with special recommendation, with the landlady, I ventured out by myself, and without any more difficulty than can be supposed of a young country girl, barely fifteen, and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing trap, I got to the wish'd for intelligence office.

After I had been cheer'd up and entertain'd along the way with the most plausible flams, without one syllable from which I could conclude anything but that I was, by the greatest good luck, fallen into the hands of the kindest mistress, not to say friend, that the world could afford; and accordingly I enter'd her doors with most compleat confidence and exultation.

Here my mistress first began her part, with telling me that I must have good spirits, and learn to be free with her; that she had not taken me to be a common servant, to do domestic drudgery, but to be a kind of companion to her; and that if I would be a good girl, she would do more than twenty mothers for me; to all which I answered only by the profoundest and the awkwardest curtsies, and a few monosyllables, such as 'yes! no! to be sure!

In the midst of these false explanations of the nature of my future service, we were rung for again, and I was introduced into the parlour, where there was a table laid with three covers; and my mistress had now got with her one of her favorite girls, a notable manager of her house, and whose business it was to prepare and break such young fillies as I was to the mounting-block.

I pass the interval to bed-time, in which I was more and more pleas'd with the views that opened to me, of an easy service under these good people; and after supper being shew'd up to bed, Miss Phoebe, who observed a kind of reluctance in me to strip and go to bed, in my shift, before her, now the maid was withdrawn, came up to me, beginning with unpinning my handkerchief and gown, soon encouraged me to go on with undressing myself; blushing at seeing myself naked to my shift, I hurried under the bedcloaths out of sight.

Phoebe laugh'd and was not long before she placed herself by my side.

She was about five and twenty, by her most suspicious account, in which, according to all appearances, she must have sunk at least ten good years; allowance, too, being made for the havoc which a long course of hackneyship and hot waters must have made of her constitution, and which had already brought on, upon the spur, that stale stage in which those of her profession are reduced to think of SHOWING company, instead of SEEING it.

No sooner then was this precious substitute of my mistress's laid down, but she, who was never out of her way when any occasion of lewdness presented itself, turned to me, embraced and kiss'd me with great eagerness.

This was new, this was odd; but imputing it to nothing but pure kindness, which, for aught I knew, it might be the London way to express in that manner, I was determin'd not to be behind hand with her, and returned her the kiss and embrace, with all the fervour that perfect innocence knew.

Encouraged by this, her hands became extremely free, and wander'd over my whole body, with touches, squeezes, pressures, that rather warm'd and surpriz'd me with their novelty, than they either shock'd or alarm'd me.

The flattering praises she intermingled with these invasions, contributed also not a little to bribe my passiveness; and, knowing no ill, I feared none, especially from one who had prevented all doubt of her womanhood by conducting my hands to a pair of breasts that hung loosely down, in a size and volume that full sufficiently distinguished her sex, to me at least, who had never made any other comparison.

I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish'd, whilst her freedom raised no other emotions but those of a strange, and, till then, unfelt pleasure.

Every part of me was open and exposed to the licentious courses of her hands, which, like a lambent fire, ran over my whole body, and thaw'd all coldness as they went.

My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to call so two hard, firm, rising hillocks, that just began to shew themselves, or signify anything to the touch, till, slipping down lower, over a smooth track, she could just feel the soft silky down that had but a few months before put forth and garnish'd the mount-pleasant of those parts, and promised to spread a shelter over the seat of the most exquisite sensation, and which had been, till that instant, the seat of the most insensible innocence.

Her fingers play'd and strove to twine in the young tendrils of that moss, which nature has contrived at once for use and ornament.

Not contented with these outer posts, she now attempts the main spot, and began to twitch, to insinuate, and at length to force an introduction of a finger into the quick itself, in such a manner, that had she not proceeded by insensible gradations that inflamed me beyond the power of modesty to oppose its résistance to their progress, I should have jump'd out of bed and cried for help against such strange assaults.

Instead of which, her lascivious touches had lighted up a new fire that wanton'd through all my veins, but fix'd with violence in that center appointed them by nature, where the first strange hands were now busied in feeling, squeezing, compressing the lips, then opening them again, with a finger between, till an 'Oh!' express'd her hurting me, where the narrowness of the unbroken passage refused it entrance to any depth.

In the meantime, the extension of my limbs, languid stretchings, sighs, short heavings, all conspired to assure that experienced wanton that I was more pleased than offended at her proceedings, which she seasoned with repeated kisses and exclamations, such as 'Oh! what a charming creature thou art! ... What a happy man will he be that first makes a woman of you! ... Oh! that I were a man for your sake! ... with the like broken expressions, interrupted by kisses as fierce and fervent as ever I received from the other sex.

'No!' says Phoebe, 'you must not, my sweet girl, think to hide all these treasures from me. My sight must be feasted as well as my touch ... I must devour with my eyes this springing BOSOM ... Suffer me to kiss it ... I have not seen it enough ... Let me kiss it once more ... What firm, smooth, white flesh is here! ... How delicately shaped! ... Then this delicious down! Oh! let me view the small, dear, tender cleft! ... This is too much, I cannot bear it! ...

Here she took my hand, and in a transport carried it where you will guess.

What a difference in the state of the same thing! ... A spreading thicket of bushy curls marked the full-grown, complete woman.

Then the cavity to which she guided my hand easily received it; and as soon as she felt it within her, she moved herself to and fro, with so rapid a friction that I presently withdrew it, wet and clammy, when instantly Phoebe grew more composed, after two or three sighs, and heart-fetched Oh's! and giving me a kiss that seemed to exhale her soul through her lips, she replaced the bed-cloaths over us.

What pleasure she had found I will not say; but this I know, that the first sparks of kindling nature, the first ideas of pollution, were caught by me that night; and that the acquaintance and communication with the disobedient of our own sex, is often as fatal to innocence as all the seductions of the other.

When Phoebe was restor'd to that calm, which I was far from the enjoyment of myself, she artfully sounded me on all the points necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous mistress on me, and by my answers, drawn from pure undissembled nature, she had no reason but to promise herself imaginable success, as it depended on my ignorance, easiness, and warm constitution.

Imagine to yourself a man rather past threescore, short and ill-made, with a yellow cadaverous hue, great goggling eyes that stared as if he was strangled; and out-mouth from two more properly tusks than teeth, livid-lips, and breath like a jake's: then he had a peculiar ghastliness in his grin that made him perfectly frightful, if not dangerous to women with child; yet, made as he was thus in mock of man, he was so blind to his own staring deformities as to think himself born for pleasing, and that no woman could see him with impunity: in consequence of which idea, he had lavish'd great sums on such wretches as could gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person, whilst to those who had not art or patience to dissemble the horror it inspir'd, he behaved even brutally. (female version = Red Queen, Alice in Wonderland)

Impotence, more than necessity, made him seek in variety the provocative that was wanting to raise him to the pitch of enjoyment, which too he often saw himself baulked of, by the failure of his powers: and this always threw him into a fit of rage, which he wreak'd, as far as he durst, on the innocent objects of his fit of momentary desire.

We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seiz'd me.

I was so afraid, without a precise notion of why, and what I had to fear, that I sat on the settee, by the fire-side, motionless, and petrified, without life or spirit, not knowing how to look or how to stir.

But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction: the monster squatted down by me on the settee, and without farther ceremony or preamble, flings his arms about my neck, and drawing me pretty forcibly towards him, oblig'd me to receive, in spite of my struggles to disengage from him, his pestilential kisses, which quite overcame me.

Finding me then next to senseless, and unresisting, he tears off my neck handkerchief, and laid all open there to his eyes and hands: still I endur'd all without flinching, till embolden'd by my sufferance and silence, for I had not the power to speak or cry out, he attempted to lay me down on the settee, and I felt his hand on the lower part of my naked thighs, which were cross'd, and which he endeavoured to unlock ...

Oh then! I was roused out of my passive endurance, and springing from him with an activity he was not prepar'd for, threw myself at his feet, and begg'd him, in the most moving tone, not to be rude, and that he would not hurt me: -- 'Hurt you, my dear?' says the brute; 'I intend you no harm ... has not the old lady told you that I love you? ... that I shall do handsomely by you?'

'She has indeed, sir,' said I; 'but I cannot love you, indeed I can not! ... pray let me alone ... I will love you dearly if you will let me alone, and go away ... '

I was talking to the wind; for whether my tears, my attitude, or the disorder of my dress prov'd fresh incentives, or whether he was under the dominion of desires he could not bridle, but snorting and foaming with lust and rage, he renews his attack, seizes me, and again attempts to extend and fix me on the settee: in which he succeeded so far as to lay me along, and even to toss my petticoats over my head, and lay my thighs bare, which I obstinately kept closed, nor could he, though he attempted with his knee to force them open, effect it so as to stand fair for being master of the main avenue.

He was unbuttoned, both waistcoat and breeches, I only felt the weight of his body upon me, whilst I lay struggling with indignation, dying with terror; he stopped all of a sudden, and got off, panting, blowing, cursing, and repeating 'old and ugly!' for so I had very naturally called him in the heat of defense.

Such too, and so cruel was my fate, that I dreaded the sight of Mrs. Brown, as if I had been the criminal and she the person injur'd; a mistake which you will not think so strange, on distinguishing that neither virtue nor principles had the least share in the defence I had made, only the particular aversion I conceiv'd against the first brutal frightful invader of my tender innocence.

All the modesty I was brought up in the habit, not the instruction of, began to melt away like dew before the sun's heat; not to mention that I made a vice of necessity, from the constant fears I had of being turn'd out to starve.

I had no idea that I ought to fly anywhere, sooner than stay where I was; nor had I the least sense of regretting my condition, but waited very quietly for whatever Mrs. Brown should order concerning me; who on her side, by herself and her agents, took more than the necessary precautions to lull and lay asleep all just reflections on my destination.

Preachments of morality over the left shoulder; a life of joy painted in the gayest colours; caresses, promises, indulgent treatment: nothing was wanting to domesticate me entirely or prevent my going out to get better advice.

Alas! I dream'd of no such thing.

Hitherto I had been indebted only to the girls of the house for the corruption of my innocence: their luscious talk, in which modesty was far from respected, their description of their engagements with men, had given me a tolerable insight into the nature and mysteries of their profession, at the same time that they highly provok'd an itch of florid warm-spirited blood through every vein: my bed-fellow Phoebe, whose pupil I more immediately was, exerted her talents in giving me the first tinctures of pleasure: whilst nature, now warm'd and wanton'd with discoveries so interesting, piqu'd a curiosity which Phoebe artfully whett'd, and leading me from question to question of her own suggestion, explain'd to me all the mysteries of Venus.

I could not long remain in such a house as that, without being an eyewitness of more than I could conceive from her descriptions. I crept softly, and post'd myself so, that seeing every thing minutely, I could not myself be seen; and who should come in but the venerable mother Abbess herself! hand'd in by a tall, brawny young horse-grenadier, mould'd in the Hercules style: in fine, the choice of the most experienc'd dame, in those affairs, in all London.

Her paramour sat down by her: he seem'd to be a man of very few words, and a great stomach; for proceeding instantly to essentials, he gave her some hearty smacks, and thrusting his hands into her breasts, disengag'd them from her stays, in scorn of whose confinement they broke loose, and swagg'd down, navel low at least.

A more enormous pair did my eyes never behold, nor of a worse colour, flagging-soft, and most lovingly contiguous: yet such as they were, this neck-beef eater seem'd to paw them with a most uninvitable gust, seeking in vain to confine or cover one of them with a hand scarce less than a shoulder of mutton.

After toying with them thus some time, as if they had been worth it, he laid her down pretty briskly, and canting up her petticoats, made barely a mask of them to her broad red face, that blush'd with nothing but brandy.

As he stood on one side, for a minute or so, unbuttoning his waist-coat and breeches, her fat, brawny thighs hung down, and the whole greasy landscape lay fairly open to my view; a wide open-mouth'd gap, overshad'd with a grizzly bush, seem'd held out like a beggar's wallet for its provision.

I soon had my eyes call'd off by a more striking object, that entirely engross'd them.

Her sturdy stallion had now unbutton'd, and produc'd nak'd, stiff, and erect, that wonderful machine, which I had never seen before, and which, for the interest my own seat of pleasure began to take furiously in it, I star'd at with all the eyes I had: however, my senses were too much flurried, too much concenter'd in that now burning spot of mine, to observe any thing more than in general the make and turn of that instrument, from which the instinct of nature, yet more than all I had heard of it, now strongly inform'd me I was to expect that supreme pleasure which she had place'd in the meeting of those parts so admirably fitt'd for each other.

Long, however, the young spark did not remain before giving it two or three shakes, by way of brandishing it; he threw himself upon her, and his back being now towards me, I could only take his being ingulph'd for grant'd, by the directions he mov'd in, and the impossibility of missing so staring a mark; and now the bed shook, the curtains rattl'd so, that I could scarce hear the sighs and murmurs, the heaves and pantings that accompanied the action, from the beginning to the end; the sound and sight of which thrill'd to the very soul of me, and made every vein of my body circulate liquid fires: the emotion grew so violent that it almost intercept'd my respiration.

Prepar'd then, and dispos'd as I was by the discourse of my companions, and Phoebe's minute detail of everything, no wonder that such a sight gave the last dying blow to my native innocence.

Whilst they were in the heat of the action, guid'd by nature only, I stole my hand up my petticoats, and with fingers all on fire, seiz'd, and yet more inflam'd that center of all my senses: my heart palpitat'd, as if it would force its way through my bosom; I breath'd with pain; I twist'd my thighs, squeez'd, and compress'd the lips of that virgin slit, and following mechanically the example of Phoebe's manual operation on it, as far as I could find admission, brought on at last the critical ectasy, the melting flow, into which nature, spent with excess of pleasure, dissolves and dies away.

1853 Dr. Isaac Brown, a prominent British surgeon and president of the Medical Society of London, creates a surgical procedure to remove the clitoris from women on the grounds that "masturbation caused epilepsy and convulsive diseases."

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